you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Randomize
