omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
