god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
