I think my fart just growled at me.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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