I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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