New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
