Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
