I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
