Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
