last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
