You don't have asthma, your pregnant
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
