You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
