Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
