I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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