oh god the rape fog is back!
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
