I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
