Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
