All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
