erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
