Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
