weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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