Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
i out mim tonsoeep
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