My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
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