life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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