Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
