You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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