The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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