I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
