I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
