Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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