On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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