I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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