It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I wish they made helmets for livers.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
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