So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
