Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
