So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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