I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
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