dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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