im having a threesome with these popsicles
if only i could text you this smell
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Randomize
