I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Randomize
