When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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