Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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