I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
