My underwear smells like fireworks.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
