Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
soo... how was my night?
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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