Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
