I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
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