Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
