I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
