I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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