proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
