She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
