it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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