Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
